The Historical Divide
The way gender has been spoken about for decades was shaped and sharpened within feminist discourse. It was rooted in a rigorous analysis of power and how power is structured. Within that landscape, men came to be seen largely as embodiments of patriarchy and as sources of oppression. In that context, it felt neither intuitive nor urgent to engage men in conversation. The immediate and valid priority was reclaiming rights and spaces denied to women for generations.
As a result, a deep divide grew. The idea took hold that if women gain something, men inevitably lose something. Equality was understood almost automatically as a zero-sum contest. This sense of competition continues to distort the space where genuine dialogue could have taken place. Men were seldom invited to sit at the same table, and many men themselves did not feel any need to join. Masculinity was seen as natural and desirable, the standard everyone else must rise to rather than a shaped and conditioned identity.
Only recently have more men started recognizing that they too are gendered beings, shaped by expectations and pressures they did not consciously choose.
The Complexity of Masculinities
Over the past decade, work on masculinities has made it clear that masculinity is not a single, uniform identity. There are many masculinities, influenced by class, caste, ability, and other social structures. There are dominant forms encouraged by institutions such as family, school, and religion, and subordinate forms constantly negotiating their position. What is striking is how often men across these categories protect each other’s entitlement even when they are unequal. A man may be humiliated by his employer, but may still find approval and solidarity from other men when he uses violence inside his home. There is a quiet understanding that maintains boundaries of male power.
The consequences of these norms are visible in the health and safety of boys and men themselves. Many leading causes of death among men are directly tied to expectations of masculinity: road rage, violent conflict, homicide, and suicide. While girls may attempt suicide more often, boys die from suicide more frequently because their attempts are more violent. Women may face more depression, yet men die more often and more suddenly. Patriarchy harms women in obvious ways, but it also damages men in ways they struggle to recognize. Many do not see the price they are paying for the privileges they are expected to maintain.
Why Engagement Cannot Be Tokenistic
Efforts to involve men in social change have often been limited and instrumental. Men are involved in campaigns to reduce violence or promote family planning. They may agree within a project cycle, but revert to old norms once the campaign ends, often in more subtle forms. Without deeper change, performance replaces transformation.
That is why meaningful engagement has to begin early, when ideas of becoming a man are still forming. Bullying, punishment, and silent endurance are presented as rites of passage. Boys learn that strength is demonstrated through domination and silence, while emotional expression is weakness. These messages shape a lifetime.
Engaging boys cannot replicate strategies used with girls. For girls, the work is about reclaiming access and dignity. For boys, the work must begin by questioning entitlement and asking what it means to let go of advantages that were never earned. Is giving up power truly a loss, or can it be a form of liberation from the pressure to constantly prove oneself?
A Story That Holds Many Truths
Recently I had a brief conversation with a young painter working at my home who was around eighteen years old. He told me he had left school to earn money and marry off his three sisters because his father, who drank, did not contribute financially. He spoke with pride and satisfaction, believing he was doing something honorable. Yet in that story are multiple layers of loss: his sisters will lose education, he will risk his body in unsafe labor, and all of them will remain locked in roles assigned to them by rigid norms. Their sacrifices are shaped by gendered expectations, and everyone is disadvantaged by them.
The Way Forward
Given how central the family is to shaping the notions of gender in sensitive young minds, utmost care must be exercised in how relationships, roles, responsibilities, and expectations are expressed and valued. Even small acts or passing comments unthinkingly expressed can leave a profound psychological impact. One can end up inadvertently reinforcing patriarchy when acts of caregiving by boys are glorified while girls performing the same tasks are treated as routine. To celebrate the fact that a man is cooking at home and to treat the same task performed by a woman as normal is to subtly consolidate male entitlement.
If transformation must occur, it has to emerge from lived realities. It must be grounded in how people negotiate their lives every day, not in abstract theories. Masculinities are fluid and relational. They shift depending on context and power. Recognizing that fluidity allows us to rethink identity in ways that disrupt hierarchy rather than reproduce it.
Engaging men is not a side initiative. It is part of a much larger project of reimagining society and rethinking care, relationships, and power. When we dismantle the idea that equality is a zero-sum struggle, we open the possibility for deeper connection and genuine transformation.
This article was first published on Reimagining The Family
Reimagining The Family website brings together reflections and learnings from individuals and institutions across the country who are collaborating with the Office in exploring the implications of reimagining the family as a space for promoting and practicing the principle of the equality of women and men. It is envisioned as a platform for sharing learning from practice, thoughtful reflection, and original perspectives among a widening network of scholars, policymakers, and practitioners who seek to bring about constructive changes in the way gender roles are conceived and expressed within the family.